I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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