I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
