The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
