I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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