the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
