Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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