a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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