she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
