so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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