Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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