Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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