soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
