Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
