I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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