I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
