If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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