I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
