I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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