when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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