Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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