saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
