apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
