I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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