Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
