Apparently you make a good broom.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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