i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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