someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
