well I can't set my house on fire every night
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
