today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just want nice things and good sex
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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