i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
