Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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