Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Randomize
