Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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