Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
