the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
