it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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