Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
