Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
