I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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