All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
