I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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