i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
