Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
