I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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