I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
