i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
