Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
