No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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