Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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