Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
