I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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