I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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