How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
