This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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