I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
