sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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