in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize