I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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